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Why at 33 years old I decided to get my advance directive completed

by | Aug 13, 2020 | Article, Stories | 1 comment

I’m a wife to my husband Bryan and a mother to three young daughters, Claire, Paige and Sophie. Like many others, I’m also a sister, daughter and friend; I have always considered myself a planner, and fairly organized (maybe not so much after our third daughter but I know those traits are still hiding in there somewhere!). My husband and I work in health care, and more so, I worked in long term care for 7 years right out of grad school so I saw firsthand, the impact advance care planning had on family dynamics, both the great outcomes and the not so good ones.

So, what should have come naturally, to plan, I found myself dragging my feet when it came to filling out my advance care directive. No one wants to fill out something that is scary, unknown, and quite frankly depressing. Even reading quotes like “you’re never promised tomorrow, so live today like it’s your last” would make my stomach turn, simply because I knew it was true, but something I didn’t want to think about.

I thought of every reason in the book to set this aside, I told myself we needed a lawyer to help fill this out (not true) or that this is something people fill out when they are much older (nope not true either). In fact, I couldn’t have been more wrong in my thoughts for not filling one out. When I became an official ‘adult’ at age 18, that is actually when I should have been filling one out, I shouldn’t have waited until I was 33 years old, married and three children. I look back and think, gosh, I am so lucky nothing happened to me during that time without an advance directive in place, what a mess I would have put my family through.

Bryan and I knew deep down this was something we had to get done, but I realized, for me, I needed to look at it in a different light. If something would tragically happen to me, the last thing I wanted my husband or family to stress about was honoring my wishes. I was well aware that by not having an advance care directive I would be placing tremendous responsibility on my family, and I was absolutely certain I wasn’t going to do that to them. I decided I was going to complete my advance directive as a gift to them. I have zero control over every day I get to live (or whether I want to read similar related quotes….), but I DO have control over making something easier for my family when they will already be in emotional turmoil.

My husband and I sought out an advance care directive that was extremely straight forward, not daunting, and easy to fill out. It makes it easier to know this document is fluid, and as we go through changes in our life, we will make changes to this document too. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a breeze, as the topic is not a fun thing to discuss, but in the end, it felt good to get our thoughts and wishes down on paper.

Since we were on a roll with being such responsible adults (insert sarcasm), we also met with a lawyer to complete our will. With both our advance directives and will completed, we felt the greatest feeling of relief and accomplishment. We finally had a plan in place for one another and our loved ones.

Although it is not an easy thing to talk about, I encourage everyone 18 years of age and older to fill out an advance care directive and when you’re done, encourage your loved ones to fill one out too, there is absolutely nothing to lose but rather so much to gain. I didn’t do it for me, I did it for my husband Bryan and daughters Claire, Paige and Sophie, because they are my entire world. I would like to think being a mother and wife won’t stop, even in times of tragedy. I want Bryan and our girls to know that I did my best to continue taking care of them, by hopefully making things a little easier, even in the hardest times when I wasn’t able to speak for myself.

Our main events were a Lunch & Learn series where we explored a variety of familiar and new topics. We started with an introduction of our new Executive Director, Heather Thonvold, who shared about their visions for Honoring Choices into the future. This includes a much-anticipated rollout, soon to come, of the new Honoring Choices long form health care directive, revised for the first time since 2014. Other organizational goals include building a stronger presence across the state and increasing access to advance care planning resources for Minnesotans of all identities and needs.

Next up, Lynn MacKenzie, our Community Engagement Specialist, presented a play she wrote and produced to help inspire creative and open conversations around advance care planning: An Almost Murder Mystery. As one participant noted, “through the theatrical portrayal of informing the public about the need to complete advance directives, I learned to think outside the box about the many other ways to discuss the topic with patients and families.” Let us know if you’d like to bring An Almost Murder Mystery to your community!

Lynn also presented an ACP 101 presentation – a great introduction to advance care planning, health care directives, choosing a health care agent, having the conversation, and more. This presentation is available to be tailored to your organization – reach out if you’re in need of one of our speakers to bring this valuable information to your community or workplace.

Lastly, we brought in two of our National Network member organizations to speak about the kind of ACP work they are doing in their home states and the value of this national partnership group, which provides member organizations the ability to connect on national/universal issues and bring the knowledge back to respond appropriately to state specific needs. Eleanor Jones of Honoring Choices Virginia shared about their innovative work in creating and supporting intersectional mental health advance care planning resources from the grassroots to the systems and state level. Ellen DiPaola of Honoring Choices Massachusetts shared about the tools they have developed to promote and support individuals and care providers in continuous and effective advance care planning throughout the lifespan. Both Eleanor and Ellen welcome connections from those interested in learning more about their work, adapting their tools, and collaborating. Please reach out – and if you are from a state that is not yet part of the network, be in touch! We want to work with you.

We are grateful for your participation this month – and for all you do to promote advance care planning in your world. Lunch & Learn presenter Eleanor Jones may have put it best when she said, “There’s a huge gap between what folks can do and what they understand they can do, which is why we all exist as Honoring Choices in our states: to close these gaps.” Honoring Choices is dedicated to helping you understand how you can become an active participant in your own health care, throughout your life – and know what resources are available for you to do that well.

If this information impacted you this month, or you have ever found use of Honoring Choices’ tools, documents, or presentations – please consider making a donation so that we can continue doing this important work. You can also support us by joining us on Saturday, May 19 from 12-5 at Fat Pants Brewing in Edina, MN, where $1 from every pint sold will go to support Honoring Choices. See you there!

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